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Chapter 1

The Year was 1972

One evening at church during the last night of a revival I was play praising the Lord at the alter with some of my friends. I was about 11 years old at the time. I kept throwing my hands up in the air pretending to have caught the Holy Spirit (I use to do that a lot) with my friends. When the visiting Minister laid his hands on my head and began to pray for me, my mind started to do some strange things and shortly after that I remembered some sort of metamorphisms taking over my body. I was told that I had begun foaming at the mouth and speaking in a man's voice. I had the strength of several men, it was then the church realized that I was demon possessed. I don't remember much after that only coming to completely almost 2 days later.

Chapter 2

High School "High"
We dated for several months when he began to pressure me to take our relationship to the next level. You know what level that was. I was so scared of sex...My mother's teaching on sex was that it hurts really badly and your vagina will bleed. So my thoughts on penetration were slightly askew. It was Christmas night we had been planning this special night all month. Can you believe it was on Jesus' birthday? Now how crass was that? I remembered this so well because my mother had just gotten out of the hospital and I felt guilty leaving her at home while I went to do the nasty with Joe. They say you always remember your first. He rented a room at the El Dorado motel across the street from the El Dorado Casino in Gardena, CA (currently the Hustler casino). When we got into the room he immediately began to completely disrobe, he even took off his watch. Boy he was ready! Although he had seen every part of my body at this point, this was the ultimate, the penetration phase. The ultimate sin I was going to make. Will God forgive me? Will I get pregnant? Even greater, will my parents find out? After he pulled off everything he jumped into the bed. This is when it dawned on me that he was serious. I positioned myself on my knees kneeling in prayer at the end of the bed. He assured me he was going to be gentle. All I could envision was the excruciating pain and the bleeding my mother told me about. I eventually lay on the bed, vagina exposed; all I would allow him to do is touch me with it. Every time he would try to put it in I would let out a blood-curling scream. The truth be told, he barely even touched me with it.

Chapter 3

B.S. Degree

The only person I knew was the track coach and it would turn out that I didn't know him well enough. I was offered a full scholarship in turn for running. Sounds like a fair trade doesn't it? I moved into my all girls' dormitory. Parents always elect this one because they think it keeps the boys out. On the contrary, all the boys come to the all girls dormitory more than they hang out in their own dorms; more fish to fry. The first week was spent at a freshman retreat; where they tried to teach us the ends and outs of college life, preparing us for the real world......I think because deep down inside I felt that I might have been responsible for the onset of Joe's drug addiction. Even though I had never done anything more than marijuana I just did not know whether or not I had some culpability for the onset of his cocaine addiction. I cried so much Harold stayed the night with me platonically.

Chapter 5

The Nuptials

Chapter 6

& Baby Makes Two

For the first 12 hours my contractions felt like really really really bad cramps. I was able to handle the pain; in fact I had a pretty nasty attitude towards the women down the hall who were screaming like banshees. The last 12 hours felt like death. I literally thought I was going to die. I screamed and screamed and screamed some more. I screamed louder than all of the witches down the hall. I screamed so much the nurse that was watching over me jumped in the bed with me and asked if I had taken Lamaze classes. I told her that I had. She then slapped me very hard in my face and told me to do my breathing and to stop all of that screaming..........As I said before I never was excited to have this baby. I was having this baby for everyone but myself. I never developed that maternal instinct until I delivered the most precious thing in this whole world. I try to describe to people how it feels to love something so hard and so instantly. How you can have so much love for a person you don't even know? This was the most amazing awesome feeling that I have ever known.

Chapter 7

Life begins @ 19

One of the restaurant's policies was, if a customer walks out without paying for their check; the waitress would have to cover that check. I was not in the mood to monitor 7 separate checks, but the customer is always right. I took their orders and they ordered very hefty meals. How could they not; some of them were very healthy girls. They were rude, crude and thoroughly unattractive. They ate their food and as they were leaving I counted them as they paid for their meals; and wouldn't you know the heftiest one and the one who ate most, walked out on her check. I walked to the register and realized which one did not pay. I walked out of the restaurant behind them and walked up to the whale that walked out on the check and politely told her that she failed to pay for her meal. Her friends began to laugh at her and she began to curse at me. She called me every name in the book as she proceeded to get into the car. I walked up to the car and as she was trying to close the door I grabbed the door with my thighs keeping her from closing the door. Her friends continued to laugh at her. When she realized that I was crazy she got out of the car and began to walk back into the restaurant to pay the check. As she was walking back, cursing me all the while, one of her friends told her to look in the booth because she had left something on the table. She went to the register to pay the bill cursing at me disturbing all of the other customers. She walked over to the booth to look for her friend's item; that's when I decided to go over there to wash the table. How convenient was that. I walked over to the table and actually blocked her in as I began to wipe down the table. She then exclaimed "Move B.". I told her if she wanted me to move then she would have to move me, softly so that no one else could hear. She proceeded to walk pass me and she accidentally brushed my uniform as she was trying to pass. I then accidentally proceeded to bust her nose open.

Chapter 8

Climbing the Corporate Ladder

Harry had only started working there a few months prior to me and soon he was promoted to Regional Marketing Manager and naturally he would take me with him. I had to interact with other Regional Marketing managers and secretaries and attend various executive meetings where I was usually the only black in the room. I use to take notes at meetings and I had created my own version I liked to call ghetto shorthand, which actually turned out to be flawless. I watched and learned from Harry how to be the best BS artist that you could be if you wanted to succeed in the corporate world. He hardly did any work and generally only worked a few hours a day before he would give me what lie to tell his superiors if they called. After approximately a year in that position Harry was promoted to the ultimate position of Director of Marketing for all of California. As he moved up so did I. I was over all of the Marketing secretaries. I had implemented several programs to make the sales support staffs work easier. Although I was making good money now, I wanted more. I knew what I wanted and I was determined to get it. I wanted to be a sales representative. I wanted the freedom and the money made by the representatives.

Chapter 9

To Understand a Man, Become One

When I would get to the club I would slither in like a snake and immediately lose my posse. The best way to attract a man in the club is to be alone. No man wants to walk up to you and receive a possible turn down in front of your friends. Only guys that look like Shemar Moore, Denzel, Leon from the 5 Heartbeats, or Isaiah Washington would have the courage to do something like that. I went into the club looking to do the same thing to men that they were doing to us. I walked in the club standing about 6'2" in perfect shape. I was always classy. I often wore suits because that was my average attire. But when I wanted to be sexy I did it classy and not trashy. Generally, when I set my sight on a man I could go home with him that night if I chose to. I was never loud and obnoxious in the club I operated like the Scorpion that I am. Over time I was one of the hottest commodities in the club. I treated men just like they treated women. I was a dogget.

Chapter 10

Health or Wealth

Approximately after 2 ½ years of being in sales I began having severe stomach pains. I thought perhaps I hadn't been eating correctly and that was causing my stomach pains. I ignored it for a while until one day while at work the pain had become so severe I could not walk. One of my co-workers called my primary care physician for me. Because we all had close personal relationships with the doctors my doctor had me come right in. My co-worker drove me to the doctor and when I arrived he ran some test on me and had me describe the pain that I was feeling. When the test came back it revealed that I had ulcers. The doctor informed me that people with stressful positions are known to develop ulcers and sales would fall into that category. He prescribed some medication for me and told me to watch my stress levels because it could get worse before it got better. I could not believe I was in my 20's suffering with ulcers. I was also drinking a lot which he also stated could make it worse too.

Changing the Game

A few days later I would receive the call from this actor who starred on the sitcom Cheers. I was doubly jazzed not only because of the job order in itself but also because I was a huge fan of the show and admired this person's work as an actor. We made an appointment for me to go to their home to discuss the particulars of the position. My boss wanted to go with me naturally but they only wanted me to come alone. I was really frightened on the way to their home because I knew they did not expect me to be African American because I used my corporate voice over the phone. Also I wanted to articulate myself well enough in order to gain their confidence that I could find them a suitable assistant. While driving up Sunset Boulevard admiring these fabulous homes, I had to remind myself not to be phased by the celebrity and to concentrate on the task at hand.

Crash @ It's Finest

I was sitting on the last pew of the church and the pastor's wife was sitting on the pew in front of me. I had been in church for about 5 minutes when all of a sudden I heard a gun shot go off right at the door of the church. I immediately yelled for everyone to hit the floor now. I was on the ground and I could only see the person's feet, I could not see a face and he was walking very slowly through the church and I could see a sawed off shot gun. The next thing I heard was another gun shot, Renee was yelling and I yelled to her to lay down and to not move. Then there was another gun shot. People were screaming every where. Then there was another gun shot at this point I do not know who was shot or how many were shot at this point I couldn't even tell if my own children were killed. I only knew this was going to be a travesty. Before this person walked out of the door he shot again. He was very slow and meticulous. I didn't know if I was going to be the last to go because I was the first one by the door. He walked out of the door and I immediately jumped up and closed and lock the door.

Chapter 13

Step Out on Faith

After approximately 2 months after I moved to Bakersfield I began looking and applying for various jobs. Now those of you are not familiar with Bakersfield, it was known as a very hick town, red necks, and prejudice was second nature for this city. Certain areas were still doing cross burnings on black people's yards in the mid 80's. Previously I had only gone to school there; I had not worked in a corporate environment in this city before so I didn't know what to expect. I went through the newspaper and submitted my resume for various sales and marketing position. When I would speak to someone on the phone or submitted my resume through the mail I would always get an interview scheduled. I was proficient at interviewing; hell I taught people how to get jobs. Upon meeting an interviewer I would receive very cold looks. As if I should have told them that I was black before they scheduled an interview. I hate people who use racial discrimination as a crutch, I really do, but only a person on the receiving end of it really knows how terrible it is. I was always the next one that they were considering.

Chapter 14

This was some sort of animal attraction and I couldn't shake it and apparently he couldn't either. We talked on the phone everyday and I made arrangements to go Los Angeles in 2 weeks to see him again. This was not me, anybody who knows me know that a brother has to be right to get up in here but this brother didn't have but a duffle bag over his shoulder. What the hell was I going to do with a fixer upper because I had no time for this? Hell I needed fixing up my own self.........It was like magic. Why, after all of my sexual encounters, would this one be my life changing experience? A young man who was 6 years younger than I.

Chapter 15

Starting Over

My territory to work at this company was Rancho Palos Verdes, Torrance, Hawthorne, Lomita, Compton, and South Central Los Angeles. If you have any familiarity with the greater Los Angeles area then you would know how diverse these places are. Dealing with these senior citizens were more than a notion. When I would go into the white areas sometimes they wouldn't open the door to let me in. When I would call to set up the appointment I would use what my father calls my white voice. I went to Palisades for an appointment one day and I had this old Caucasian man tell me when he opened the door that he thought I said that I was white. I told him "no sir, all I said was my name is Lynn and I would be the representative to come to meet with you at 11:00, I never said what ethnicity I was, because that really doesn't matter does it", and he slammed the door in my face. I yelled through the door and I told him that I was going to provide him with the same information that a white representative would give him. He then opened up the door and let me in. After all of that he ended up enrolling in the program. Another one of my job descriptions were to conduct formal and informal group presentations. After I would conduct a formal presentation the Caucasian people would come up to me and say "oh my God, you spoke so well". I would sometimes say something crass like "it's amazing what an education can do" and smile.

Chapter 16

Making My Mark

I had begun a massive marketing and advertising system. First I designed very interesting flyers. They say that black people don't like to read so since my office was located in a predominantly black area my flyers were designed with cartoon characters with a comical reason why they should come in to do business. I passed my flyers out to all of the businesses in the building and began to do a lot of work for the businesses within the office building. Every Saturday morning I would get up at around 7:00 in morning along with Renee and we walked for blocks and blocks passing out flyers throughout the businesses and residential community in Inglewood, CA. Before I knew it my business had grown by leaps and bound. Other business owners in the building kept asking me how I could get so many customers in an enclosed office building with no signage. I passed out flyers religiously I left flyers on tables, in grocery stores, barber shops, and anyplace that let you leave literature. I was a marketing maniac. I had years of practice doing it for the man for so long it was a matter of time that I would be able to do it for myself. My office was so small it was really only big enough for my desk, myself and maybe one other person, two or three more people was a tight fit. Yet I had the busiest office in the building and I really didn't know what I was doing. But I never let not knowing what I was doing stop me, ever. I also knew that it was not all of my doing. God was truly blessing me. During this time I was still very active in the church and living the life of a good and faithful servant. I was truly being blessed of the Lord.

Chapter 17

When the Grass Looks Greener...it could be brown underneath

When we came back from Vegas and went back to work the next few days I told Reggie that I might give it a try and let him teach me about gambling. Reggie said "Lynn don't get involved with that just because he is winning now does not mean that he always win". He said "hustling is an up and down thing and you need to stay away from it". I kind of put it on the back burner and didn't really think too much about it. Approximately two weeks later Tina called me and asked if I wanted to go with her and Don to the casino on the next day. I told her that I had to work and couldn't go to Vegas on such a short notice. She said "no, he's going to take you guys to a casino here in the city". So I said "o.k". and I asked Reggie if he wanted to go. He declined and advised me again not to go because he didn't want to see me get caught up. I really didn't think anything of it and I went anyway. I wasn't really concerned about getting caught up because I was a tight wad who didn't take kindly to getting up off of money. Four of us had gone to the Normandie Casino in Gardena, California. Although I had gone to Vegas several times gambling otherwise was the furthest thing from my mind. When I walked into the casino I was surprised to see so many people gambling locally. The majority of the people gambling in the casino were people of Asian decent. Then you had your really ghetto Negroes. We walked over to a table and they were playing a game called Super Pan 9. This game was played just like 21 except the object of the game is to get 9. Don asked me how much I wanted to bet because he was going to play at this particular table. I went into my purse and gave him $60.00 someone else had given him $60.00 too. He pulled out enough money to cover the entire tables bet which had to be over $1,000.00 +. In approximately an half an hour my sixty dollars had turned into $600.00 and we were on our way home. Needless to say, I was now hooked.

Dismissing Dysfunction from my life

I was finally free of all of the dirt that I had done. But knowing how the Lord works I knew that although I was changing my life I still had to do some reaping. I didn't know what forum the reaping was going to come in but I had braced myself for the ride. When I started at my new place I noticed one thing right off and that was that Tito was a very good business person. His philosophy on customer service was similar to mine therefore I knew that we could work together pretty well. He had three customer service representatives and one technician. Initially I worked alone until the business started to increase and increase it did. I had gotten contracts with the city of Inglewood for printing. I had done printing for the KJLH radio station employees, hospitals and many other businesses. Before long my business was growing leaps and bounds again. I had 2 ½ customer services representatives. Renee would be considered the half because children don't like to work for their parents. One thing about this office was there were always ballers hanging around. In my ignorance or perhaps I just had blinders on I just thought it was the nature of his business. It was indeed a benefit for me because many of them would do business with me because of him. Whatever the case I was glad to be able to get a new start. I had gone through hell and back for a 1 ½ years prior and this was the opportunity to turn my life completely around.

Chapter 19

Stepping out of myself to learn myself

The difference was I was given a choice as to whether or not I wanted to be in that situation. When I was in my 20's I was young and dumb and all I was concerned with was having my rent and car note paid, money and lavish trips and spending sprees all for a little tail. In my 30's I started looking at life in different ways. I had already been beaten up by karma and didn't need any more backlashes for things that I could control. This would be something that I could control and I would never want to be the other woman again no matter what the cost. I know the pain that the unsuspecting one goes through. I wouldn't wish that feeling on my worse enemy and I don't even know this woman. This is where most women make their mistake by bringing the wife or girlfriend into the situation when the one that we should be approaching is the monster that brought you into the fold. You know I blame Kenneth, but the truth of the matter is if I had looked at him instead of peaking at him I would have seem exactly what was true. But I am the one who chose to walk around with the blinders on because our relationship had become comfortable. I find that a lot of women stay in bad relationships because of comfort and that is not right. It was then that I realized that all of my bad relationships were a result of me allowing them into my life to begin with. He continued to try to call me for a few weeks but I would never take his calls. He finally gave up and I had finally ridded myself of him.

Chapter 20

Educating Children & Slapping Parents

Out of everything that I have done in my life until now this was the most rewarding. Children are like sponges ready to soak up all the good and the bad. Unfortunately the majority of the children in my area dealt with a lot of bad. Even though I tried to instill the good, the bad would most of the time supersede. This was the tough part of the job, dealing with people that should never have had children. I personally did not want to have my daughter at the time that I had her but once I decided to make the decision to have her I made a very conscience effort to do the best possible job as a parent that I could. I learned that there were so many levels of child abuse that the average person couldn't imagine....I had a little girl who came to me at the age of 6 months old. Her mother was 24 years old and this was her first and only girl out of 4 kids. I remember the first time I changed this baby's diaper. She had only urinated but when I removed the diaper I immediately began to check myself for a fish smell because I could not believe that an infant could give off such a smell. Thank heavens that it wasn't me but oh my God this smell belonged to this precious little beautiful baby. I was so angry and then I thought this just can't be. I know her mother would not send her to daycare on her first day smelling like this. I then looked into the baby's ears and there was a canal of wax flowing out of the baby's ears. Behind the ears look like material was growing, I had never seen anything like this before in my life. I had 5 other children to look after so I called my daughter over to watch the children while I gave this baby a bath. Now I have to decide what to do about this situation.

As if the word tumor wasn't bad enough now I also have to worry about this bill that is going to be coming too. The next day my girlfriend called me and told me that the head OBGYN Surgeon at Kaiser where she worked also worked at Martin Luther King Hospital and she would make an appointment to see me. She gave me her direct number and I called her and she instructed me where to go to apply for no cost insurance for 6 months and I made an appointment to see her MLK Hospital. Now with the stigma on this hospital I was really skeptical but I had no time to be a Prima Donna all I know is I have a foreign object growing inside my body and I want it out by any means necessary.....I wondered if this was my pay back. Is this now my cross to bear for my past sins? I am so clear on the way that God works and I was ready to carry the cross. I talked to a lot of my friends that had them and some were forthcoming and some acted as if it was the ultimate secret. I guess some women feel like less of a woman without their internal organs but I was more concerned about which was going to be the best option for me and my health. One option would have been to just try to have the tumors removed but in my case that would have been even more difficult because they would have had to repair and replace the cervix as well as my rectum which they had to do any way. Another option would have been to have a total hysterectomy removing everything including the ovaries or a partial where you leave the ovaries. I studied and studied and the more I read the more I was convinced that I should go with the total hysterectomy because I didn't want to increase the chance of my getting ovarian cancer so I opted to go with a total. I was sitting down with the assistant surgeon who was there to prep me for my surgery. He was short but he was gorgeous and all I could think about was him seeing me naked and literally in the flesh. He began asking me which surgery I elected to do. I told him that I wanted to have a total hysterectomy. I was 41 years old, single and never going to have kids again anyway, and I was comfortable in making that decision. He then told me that he had to inform me on the pros and cons of having a total hysterectomy. He began to rattle off a long list of cons the ones that I already knew about from my studies. He told me I would catapult myself into menopause he went on and on until he mentioned one that I had not read about. He stated "I might suffer from vaginal dryness" and he was continuing on to the next one until I stopped him dead in his tracks. I said "excuse me did you say vaginal dryness". He looked at me and we both started to laugh. He said "you haven't said a word to anything that I have been saying until I got to that". We laughed some more and then I became very serious. Although I hadn't used it in over 8 ½ years because of my celibacy I still wanted to know that it was going to work if I ever did decided to use it again.

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